Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in