<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Y’all ready for this
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.