When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun