A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
This is true.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.