The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.