I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
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Watson was Holmes schooled
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
WHY would you be happy about this?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.