Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*