Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.