Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
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Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
The Friday File.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
bank teller: I can鈥檛 read this note, it鈥檚 in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
How do you get the farmer鈥檚 daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Bobby pin
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Comments like this are why we can鈥檛 have nice things
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I鈥檒l get a new one so my kid doesn鈥檛 notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you鈥檝e seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.