THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators