Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You Might Also Like
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
TEETH IS INNOCENT