After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I forgot how to panic. Help
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.