me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Google Pay be like:
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.