BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.