I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Don’t we all.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower