I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
War & Peace
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”