“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Seems legit
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My dad is at it again
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
that colleague who touches your screen
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.