never deleting this app.
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I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I just ran a .003048K
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I can fix him.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla