[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”