someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
u spoke cat all this time??????
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I