when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.