Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”