I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.