WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then