asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t