[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.