He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time