8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything