*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit