I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
what’s really going on
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
a lot to unpack here
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?