it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
even bears disappoint their mothers
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.