Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry