What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Saturday
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here