A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.