Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Love this guy
Ken is short for chicken
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation