Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is