I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet