My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
no cat here
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.