I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
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You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.