t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.