At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
i prefer mine room temperature.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.