Mhm.
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job