”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When you let grandma cat sit
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.