pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.