Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
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love it when they get my name right
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I know this now 😂
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth