Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.