Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
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Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]