When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door