you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
You Might Also Like
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
New tinder profile pic
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another