There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
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What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.